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Monday, August 31, 2009

Anxiety

I have always been an introvert. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there. To meet new people. To speak up. To have attention on me. (I don't even like when every sings "Happy Birthday" and that is family!)

In the years since my first marriage and having my son things have gotten worse. I have full out anxiety. I don't have anxiety attacks per se (I save those for times I don't know where my son is!) but my IBS will flare up, my stomach will hurt, and I'll have to run for the restroom (TMI I know sorry). I think it started with my first marriage due to all of the mean things he would say to me. I already was introverted and unsure of myself and he just played off of that to control me. He'd tell me how unworthy I was (as a wife, mom, and human being) over and over again. He'd tell me how no one else would want me (funny I met hubby who wanted me and is a GREAT guy just months after finally kicking him to the curb and I was the one who stuck by our son and he never came around again!).

Even though I know he was just an abuser. Even though I know I am a good person. When I get into a situation where I have to put myself out there. Situations where I have never been the most comfortable I "hear" him still.

Take for example tonight. I am supposed to go to dinner with a bunch of moms from T-man's school. Of the dozen or so I do know 2. The others I have never met. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I know in my mind it will be fine. That I will even have a good time. But yet my anxiety level keeps escalating. I keep worrying what they will think.

Deep breath. It will all be ok. Right?

7 comments:

  1. The anxiety parts of your post sound so familiar to me. I also suffer from it and it's so frustrating. I'll make plans to go somewhere and be excited for 10 seconds, but the minute I hang up the phone or start thinking about how it might go, I get overwhelmed and sometimes even sick. Just like you in my mind I know it will be fun and I'll probably end up having a good time, but the rest of me just isn't listening.

    I really like your writing and look forward to reading more. I can tell from it you're a great person and people will be happy to have met you tonight. Hope you have a wonderful time!

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  2. I have anxiety over not knowing every detail of everything and having a plan. My poor go-with-the flow husband. I wish I had great advice. I am social to a fault. Sing out loud until you get there. That'll take your mind off of it.

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  3. I so understand...I wanted to skip my own wedding because of all those people...watching...yikes! I'd skip school to avoid presentations. My husband, as Chief of a fire department, has many, many engagements and I skipped most of them for the first few years of our marriage. I swear, people thought he had an imaginary wife. I was always "sick". :)

    Good luck tonight...just picture everyone in their underwear. I'm not sure why...maybe just for a good laugh? ;)

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  4. Oh yeah, I know all about this too! Fortunately I got out of that marriage as well and have a fabulous husband now. He rocks. But it took me several years to work through it and I still have a hard time with self esteem sometimes.

    I'm more of a wallflower too, I don't like to be the center of attention, I prefer small groups and such.

    Hang in there, just put one foot in front of the other and you will get there. One step at a time, one detail at a time, then ask yourself the "what's the worst that could happen?" questions and if the answer is something you can live with, then go for it!

    Message me anytime!

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  5. I am very introverted also. It prevents me from attending a lot of social events. It is very frustrating.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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  6. I suffer from anxiety as well. Lately it is just affecting my sleeping which drives me crazy. I am tired all the time because I just toss and turn and never fall asleep until the situation I'm anxious about passes. I totally understand your feelings and how tired you are of dealing with it.

    IBS is another issue of mine. I try to watch my food so I don't eat any trigger foods when I am stressed/anxious and pop pills when I can. Not the best way I'm sure but it keeps me somewhat normal. TMI I know. LOL.

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  7. I am (ahem) quite a few years older than you. I am still an introvert, but since I've been dealing with the anxiety with sensible internal talk, lots of social situations have become easier. Or maybe I am just getting old enough not to care??? I think Mamasaun nailed it when she said one step at a time. And if it's any consolation, it's my belief that people who suffer most from anxiety are the sensitive, intelligent types!

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